What Caleb hates most about this, he decides, is that it isn't only him having his selfish daydreams dashed. He could deal with that. Caleb can sacrifice his own comfort and happiness all day every day if that is what it takes. But knowing it's something Yussa wants too, something he's reluctantly giving up for the sake of Caleb's goals--that hurts.
Even if he can hear the affection in the Elven endearment, he wonders what sydΓ€meni means. That's one he hasn't heard before. But then, it's the intent that matters most. He's never had to tell Yussa that when he says schatz it literally means treasure; Yussa understands that Caleb is calling him precious.
His heart aches with longing as he returns his lover's kiss. Having a refuge in this tower, in this man's arms, is a beautiful thing, and he will be grateful for it and humbled by it as long as he lives. But he will always know it could have been more than that, and he will always want more.
That hunger is not unique to him, however. Isn't it the hallmark of a powerful wizard to always seek beyond his means, no matter how much he already has? Contentment is not their way. If he didn't yearn for this, it would be something else. For the justice and resolution he seeks in the Empire. Even if he chose love and companionship, he would never find peace. Yussa clearly understands that. Perhaps that resolve to wade into the flames no matter the personal cost is part of whatever he finds admirable in Caleb Widogast, even if he would wish differently.
"You are correct, of course." His voice still holds onto its soft early-morning rasp. "There is change that must happen in my home, and I am uniquely positioned to do it. I cannot waste that opportunity. The cost has been too great." Holding Yussa's gaze, there is an urgency to be acknowledged, and perhaps absolved of the guilt he feels for making Yussa worry for him. For not being the partner he deserves. "If I abandoned this work, I would not be worthy of you, or any of my friends, or my parents' memory. I do not think I could face myself."
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Even if he can hear the affection in the Elven endearment, he wonders what sydΓ€meni means. That's one he hasn't heard before. But then, it's the intent that matters most. He's never had to tell Yussa that when he says schatz it literally means treasure; Yussa understands that Caleb is calling him precious.
His heart aches with longing as he returns his lover's kiss. Having a refuge in this tower, in this man's arms, is a beautiful thing, and he will be grateful for it and humbled by it as long as he lives. But he will always know it could have been more than that, and he will always want more.
That hunger is not unique to him, however. Isn't it the hallmark of a powerful wizard to always seek beyond his means, no matter how much he already has? Contentment is not their way. If he didn't yearn for this, it would be something else. For the justice and resolution he seeks in the Empire. Even if he chose love and companionship, he would never find peace. Yussa clearly understands that. Perhaps that resolve to wade into the flames no matter the personal cost is part of whatever he finds admirable in Caleb Widogast, even if he would wish differently.
"You are correct, of course." His voice still holds onto its soft early-morning rasp. "There is change that must happen in my home, and I am uniquely positioned to do it. I cannot waste that opportunity. The cost has been too great." Holding Yussa's gaze, there is an urgency to be acknowledged, and perhaps absolved of the guilt he feels for making Yussa worry for him. For not being the partner he deserves. "If I abandoned this work, I would not be worthy of you, or any of my friends, or my parents' memory. I do not think I could face myself."